Uniforms for Congress
TO: The Executive Producers of C-Span
FROM: John Q. Public
SUBJECT: Uniforms for Congress
How do you expect to attract viewers to your boring political programming when all of the players look and sound the same? In an effort to boost your cable ratings, I propose some changes to assist ordinary concerned citizens in understanding the United States Congress. UNIFORMS.
That is correct. I propose that all legislators be required to wear the coveralls similar to NASCAR drivers decorated with the patches, logos and symbols that reflect their funding sources. Senators and representatives should wear red and blue coveralls representing their states’ majority political affiliation. The coveralls would then be adorned with brightly colored, glow in the dark decals so viewers could see not only who pays which lawmakers to push their agenda, but lets us ordinary, Bill of Rights toting citizens see exactly what the hell their agenda is.
Just think of the visual created for TV audiences. We can easily identify the energy conglomerates, like Big H. And the big box retail giants, as in Big W. And of course the Saudi Royal family, as in Big Oil.
Let me offer some fashion examples for your consideration. Those congress men and women funded by Greenpeace, already easily identified by their Birkenstocks, would have hippie hand made embroidered patches displaying spotted owls, whales, dolphins, frogs and obscure birds. This group could wear Smokey the Bear hats with little tree hugger decals. The little Darwin fish symbol might add a nice touch.
The pharmaceutical companies could provide their representatives with big baggy overalls with tag lines such as “We are the legal drug pushers selling you American made Zoloft and Prozac. Not those street punks selling marijuana.” I can’t wait to see which fat old men push more boner drugs through the bureaucratic maze constructed by the FDA while other drugs for cancer and other real catastrophic illness die in unread reports.
The gun lobby could supply their representatives with camouflage coveralls with decals of shotguns, rifles and semi automatic weapons. Those neon orange vests could be decorated with colorful iron on patches of Bubba shooting Smoke the Bear. These legislators could then pass legislation to mix weaponry and boner drugs.
The emblem of the tobacco companies could be the smoking gun. Of course only the Kool legislators and those who have come a long way get to wear these decals. The designs could be similar to the drug companies only shaped like little coffins.
The Christian Coalition, those representatives who remind you of your Louisiana relatives who can make shit into a three syllable word, might have a cross shaped patch stating, “One nation under my specifically defined God.” Perhaps another might be a little red school house with “Stay out of our Christian schools, you monkey-relative believing blasphemer.”
Probably the most glamorous uniforms or coveralls would be worn by the Hollywood supporters. Those Jewish, homosexual limousine liberals who influence the minds and corrupt the minds of our youth. Those who are determined to put a Baldwin in the White House. I cannot even begin to imagine the Bob Macke designs for this group.
Let us not forget the retired people. Also known as the old people. They are easily identified by their wrinkled uniforms as they promote their agenda of preserving the dignity of the elderly. Especially those who were able to retire with hefty benefits and make major campaign contributions. Their real agenda is to find the damn cocoon before the opposing party does.
These are just a few thoughts that I think will make easier for us commoners to identify who is buying our congress and for what. Thank you for your consideration.
